I originally wrote this guide in 2012 and published it as a short ebook. At the time mindfulness meditation was becoming quite popular, but the loving-kindness meditation was still fairly unknown. Quite a few people read my guide and I received some nice feedback (thanks!). Now I’ve given it a refresh, and am putting it here in case it’s useful to anyone.

I first learned this meditation 25 years ago at the Cambridge Buddhist Centre. I practiced it for over 10 years, but stopped when my children were born. At the beginning of this year I started meditating regularly again, and my interest was renewed.

Contents:

What is the Loving-Kindness Meditation?

This meditation is based on a Buddhist practice called ‘Metta Bahvana’. The name comes from Pali, the language in which the earliest Buddhist texts were written. ‘Bahvana’ translates directly to English – it means generation or cultivation. ‘Metta’ is more difficult to translate. The term ’loving-kindness’ is usually used, but that doesn’t quite convey its full meaning. It’s a feeling of goodwill towards others, wishing that they are happy and well in a completely unselfish way, with no self-interest whatsoever.

So this meditation is about cultivating loving-kindness. It’s a tool to help us feel more loving-kindness towards ourselves and others. Just as running gets easier if we train and run more often, feeling loving-kindness becomes easier by practising. We do this by sending loving-kindness to ourselves, to a friend, to a neutral person, to a difficult person, and then to everyone.

What are the Benefits of Meditating?

Meditation in general has a whole range of benefits. It helps you relax and release tension. It calms the mind and reduces anxiety. A calmer mind is less restless, more aware, seldom bored, and can concentrate and focus more easily for longer periods.

Meditation can help you to become more aware of your own mental state, the emotions and thoughts that you are preoccupied with. It can help to put problems into perspective. You might find you become more aware of your deeper thoughts, feelings and values.

Loving-kindness meditation is particularly helpful for improving your connection with other people. Practising it increases your capacity for compassion and empathy. Feeling more connected with the people around you can help you feel more content and less anxious. As you develop a better understanding of others you will naturally feel less anger and frustration.

I’ve found that doing this meditation when I’ve got a bad cold can really help. It takes more effort to motivate myself to meditate, and it’s not so easy to stay focused, but by persevering I can bring myself out of the melancholy that often comes with illness, and develop a positive state of mind. I’m sure this helps the body recover.

Sitting Comfortably

Images of the Buddha usually show him sitting happily in the full lotus position – cross legged with his feet resting on his thighs. For most people, this position would be agony. To meditate without being distracted, it’s important to be comfortable, but you also need to be in a position that will help you stay alert.

If you lie down to do this meditation you’ll most likely get very relaxed and then fall asleep. This can be nice, but it’s not helpful for an active meditation like loving-kindness. To stay alert, it helps to have a position where you have to actively keep your back upright, without it being supported by anything. This way if you start to fall asleep the muscles in your back will relax and you will sink slowly towards the floor. This movement will be enough to wake you.

Here are three sitting positions that I have found the most useful:

Kneeling

Probably the simplest sitting position is to kneel on the floor with your bum sitting on the edge of a cushion. Having your bum off the ground makes it easier to keep your back straight. You can experiment with the height of the cushion until it feels right for you. For more comfort, put a mat or folded blanket on the floor under the cushion.

Crossed Legs

This position is sometimes called half lotus. Sit on the edge of a cushion. Bend the knee of the right leg, and bring your right foot up so it rests on the floor close to your left inner thigh. Bring the right heel up as far towards your groin as possible without sitting on it. Then bend your left leg so that the left foot is resting on the floor close to your right shin. Again with this position you can experiment with the height of the cushion, and put a mat or folded blanket under the cushion for comfort.

Photos of people meditating often show the person in a child-like crossed-legs position, where the feet are under the calves and the knees are high. In this position there’s a tendency to hold tension in the legs, and the muscles can’t fully rest. Also as the bum is on the ground the back tends to slouch.

On a Chair

This is a good alternative if you find other positions uncomfortable, for example if you have problems with your knees.

Sit on the front edge of the chair and sit upright without leaning against the back rest. Putting a plank of wood under the rear legs to tip the chair forward slightly can help. Just raising the legs by a centimetre is enough.

Whichever position you choose, try to keep your back reasonably straight and your head tilted down slightly. Your eyes can be open or closed as you prefer. If open, try to keep your gaze soft and just below horizontal.

The different hand positions of the sitting Buddha symbolise different things, like charity, fearlessness or teaching. For us it’s enough to just rest them on the knees or lap. If you suffer from tense shoulders it can help to have your hands well supported. Place a folded blanket or cushion on your lap and lay your hands on that.

When sitting still for a long time it’s easy to get cold. So, depending on the temperature of the room, you might want to put a blanket round your legs or shoulders, or even cover your head.

Where to Begin

If you’ve never meditated before then I recommend you read through all of the steps of the meditation in the next section so you have a good overview of what’s involved. Then sit comfortably and do the preparation in step 0 for a few minutes. You may find that’s enough for the first session. Before you finish take a moment to notice how you are feeling now, both mentally and physically.

For your next meditation sessions, repeat the above, and when you feel ready add the additional steps until you are doing the full meditation from beginning to end.

The Meditation Steps

The loving-kindness meditation consists of the following five steps.

Step 0 - Preparation

This isn’t actually the meditation proper, but it’s important nonetheless. A Buddhist once said to me “the shorter the meditation, the longer the preparation”. In order to get the most out of a shorter meditation it’s worth spending more time at the beginning to make sure that you are as calm and centred as possible. That way it’s easier to stay focused on what you’re doing and you’ll be more effective. So always try to spend a few minutes on this.

Find a nice spot to sit where it’s quiet and you won’t be disturbed. I recommend not having music on as it can be distracting. If there are other people in the house then tell them that you’re going to be meditating and ask them not to disturb you. Turn off or mute your phone. This is important as it’s much easier to relax when you know that you won’t have a sudden interruption. If these things aren’t possible because of family commitments etc. then just do the best you can.

Sit comfortably. See the Sitting Comfortably section.

Tell yourself that for the next twenty minutes (or however long you choose) you’re having a break. There’s no need to worry about anything. It’ll all be there waiting when you’ve finished, only you’ll be better prepared to deal with it.

Read through the rest of this section then decide which people you’ll be sending loving-kindness to in the different steps.

A good way to quickly calm yourself is to spend a few minutes doing one of the exercises described in the Preparation Exercises section.

Step 1 - Yourself

For the first part of the meditation you focus on sending loving-kindness to yourself.

This might feel somewhat strange at first; loving yourself might seem selfish. However Buddhist philosophy says that in order to have good relationships with others it’s important that we first have a good relationship with ourselves. This part of the meditation helps us to achieve that.

To begin with you could say this Buddhist mantra:

May I be happy,
May I be well,
May I be free from suffering,
May I progress.

Actually saying the words out loud rather than just thinking them gives them more weight. While speaking the words try to really mean them. Repeat the mantra again if you like. If you don’t like this mantra you could make something up yourself.

To encourage the warm feeling of loving-kindness you might want to think about your good qualities. Or if you’re feeling bad about yourself then you could console yourself by being aware that you do have good intentions, even if things don’t always work out how you wanted them to.

Sometimes it may be easy to feel loving-kindness towards yourself, at other times it may need more effort. Remember that any meditation you do, regardless of how well it went, is a good training and learning experience which will strengthen your practice, making it easier and more effective in the future.

Step 2 - Friend

Next choose a good friend to send loving-kindness to. It’s recommended that the friend is someone you’re not sexually attracted to. This is to reduce the chance of becoming distracted.

Now in a similar way that you sent loving-kindness to yourself in step 1, this time send loving-kindness to your friend. Say the following mantra, and again, really try to mean the words:

May she/he be happy,
May she/he be well,
May she/he be free from suffering,
May she/he progress.

To encourage the feelings of loving-kindness that we are aiming for you could imagine that you are giving your friend a present, or you could ask yourself what it is that you really like about them. Maybe even just picturing them sitting before you smiling is enough. Or perhaps just wishing that your friend has a really good day today.

How you do this really is up to you. Use your imagination in whichever way helps you the most. Some people even find it helpful to imagine the friend has died, but don’t do this if it upsets you.

Step 3 - Neutral Person

This time choose a person that you have no feeling about either way, probably someone you don’t know. It could be someone you met on the street, a bus driver, or someone who served you in a shop.

Send loving-kindness to this person in the same way as in the previous steps. Again use your imagination. You could imagine them in a happy situation at home with their family, or with friends.

You may find it takes a lot of effort to feel kindness towards someone you know nothing about and feel no connection with. It can help to remember that everyone on the planet has the same basic wants and needs. As the Dalai Lama puts it, “Everyone of us wants a happy life and does not want to suffer”. You could use these few minutes of meditation time to wish them just that.

Step 4 - Difficult person

For this step choose a person that you are having problems with at the moment. This could be someone that you have never liked, or someone that you are usually friends with but are just having difficulties with at the moment. Don’t chose someone that stirs very intense emotion in you.

This can be difficult. You might not want to send loving-kindness to someone you don’t like! But it’s worth trying, as the rewards can be great. Buddhists say that your enemy is your best friend; someone who can teach you more about yourself that anyone else. Psychologists suggest that we project our negative thoughts and fears on to our enemies. So looking at what you don’t like in others can shed light on problems you have with yourself.

Step 5 - Everyone

Now imagine that all of the people from the previous steps are sitting together with you in a circle. Send loving-kindness to all of them one by one, including yourself. Notice if you have a favourite. The aim is to feel the same amount of loving-kindness for each person.

After a while you could imagine that the friends of the people in the circle come in to the meditation. Send loving-kindness to them all. Then extend the circle to everyone who lives nearby. Keep increasing the size of circle to include more and more people, until you are wishing loving-kindness to everyone in the world.

Finish the practice by briefly sending loving-kindness to yourself.

Tips

When meditating it’s normal to come up against difficulties. Here are some suggestions that might help.

Feeling Bored or Restless

Feelings of boredom or restlessness tell you that your mind is unsettled. Staying focused will take more effort, but as meditation is very good at calming the mind, that effort will be even more worthwhile. Try to keep focused on the meditation and the restless feeling should naturally disperse after a few minutes.

If you are still struggling then try focusing your attention low down in your belly. I haven’t yet heard a good explanation for why this works, but several teachers have told me of the technique, and I’ve found it to be very effective. Similarly, lowering your gaze towards the floor can also be calming.

Feeling Tired or Falling Asleep

If you are feeling tired before meditating you could try some of the following before starting the meditation:

  • Do some light exercise
  • Do a few stretches
  • Get some fresh air
  • Take a shower

If you are tired during the meditation then you could try opening your eyes, look around and blink a few times. Take some deep breaths. Make sure your back is straight. You could also open a window as fresh air really helps to keep you alert. Just make sure you wrap up warm if it’s cold outside.

Feeling Uncomfortable

If you have backache then stretching can help. While still sitting, arch your back by looking high up at the ceiling, breathing in and pushing out your chest. Or with a straight back, twist by looking as far over one shoulder as you can, hold for half a minute, and then repeat for the other shoulder.

If you know you are prone to particular problems, you might want to do the stretches before you begin a meditation.

If you have sore knees or ankles then try a different sitting position.

Staying Focused

It’s normal that your mind will wander. You’ll find yourself thinking about all kinds of things - a conversation you just had with a friend, what you’re having for dinner tonight, what you’re going to say to your boss tomorrow etc. When you notice that your mind has wandered, pay attention to the distracting thought. Don’t judge it, just acknowledge it and then imagine putting it down. You can come back to it later, after the meditation.

A good way of stopping the thought from arising again can be imagining that you are laying the subject down on the floor. You could imagine putting the subject down outside the door of your room, ready to pick up after you’ve finished meditating.

About time

A lot of people meditate for around twenty minutes, not including preparation time; so about four minutes for each step. Meditating for longer will give stronger effects, and some people happily meditate for an hour. If you can’t find the time, even a few minutes can be very helpful. Every minute is worthwhile.

To get the most benefit, it’s good to practise regularly, for example every day. Having a fixed routine can be a big help with motivation. After a while you don’t need to decide if you will meditate, you just do it.

I prefer to meditate before breakfast. It’s a lovely start to the day. I like to get up before anyone else in the house is awake. It can be hard to get out of bed so early, but I never regret it. Meditating after work can be more of a struggle if you have a busy mind, but it can also be very refreshing, and a great way to unwind. Meditating before you go to bed can be a nice way of unwinding and getting yourself ready for a good night’s sleep. It’s better not to do meditate after meals as a full stomach can be uncomfortable and make you feel drowsy.

An Altar

Some people like to meditate in front of an altar. It could just be a candle, or maybe a special object, such as a photograph of a person who is an inspiration to you, or maybe a flower. I light a candle as I find it gives me a feeling of warmth. I often light incense - a Buddhist tradition - and I have a wooden Buddha figure with a calm, kind face.

Preparation Exercises

Doing a preparation exercise before meditating will help you to relax and centre yourself so that you can focus better and get the most out of the meditation. Do it in the sitting position you use for meditation.

Body Scan

Beginning with your toes, notice any tension, then imagine them relaxing fully. You don’t have to actually do anything. Just imagining seems to relax them. Move your attention along your feet to your ankles, imagining any tensions dissolving. Continue the process slowly up your legs to your groin, stomach, chest, arms and hands. Then focus on your shoulders. Feel the weight of your arms pulling your shoulders down towards the ground.

Now feel the weight of your head. Move your head around just slightly, enough to feel how your head naturally balances without any effort from your neck muscles.

Spend time on your face, noticing tension around your eyes and behind them. Imagine the tension dissolving. Do the same for your mouth, tongue, cheeks, forehead and scalp.

Grounding

This exercise helps you feel more centred and grounded in your body, giving you a sense of stability and alleviating feelings of anxiety.

Imagine your soul, consciousness (or whatever you want to call it), has left your body and you are now on the surface of the moon. Look at the galaxy of stars above you. They have a brightness and clarity that you have never seen before. Be aware of the vast space all around you. Everything is still and quiet. All of your troubles are far away.

Watch the Earth slowly rise above the horizon. Look at the beautiful globe with everyone you know and care for living there. Be aware of the richness of all the life there: the enormous variety of plants and animals, and the billions of people busy with their lives.

Then imagine yourself lifting off the ground and slowly floating towards the Earth. Soon you can make out the shapes of the different continents. As you get closer, look out for the country where you left your body. Drift towards this country. As you get closer still, look out for landmarks that you recognise: mountains, forests, cities, rivers or roads. Use the landmarks to help guide yourself to the place that your body is sitting in now. Come closer still and look for the building where your body is sitting inside. Come down to the ground and walk up to the building. Then as you normally do, open the door, walk in and close the door behind you. Walk towards the room that your body is sitting in. Open the door, walk in, and close the door behind you. See your body sitting in meditation. Walk towards it and then sit down back into your body.

Tools

You don’t need any special equipment in order to meditate. If you think you’ll be practising regularly you might want to get yourself a meditation cushion. The traditional ones are called zafus and are usually filled with buckwheat husk or kapok, a natural silk-like fibre. They are much firmer than a pillow. Alternatively there are also wooden meditation stools which can be helpful for people who experience discomfort in their legs or ankles.

You can use a clock to time your meditation, or even forget about time altogether. In the past I’ve used several meditation apps (most recently Meditation Timer for iPhone), but lately I just use an old watch. I leave it on my altar so it’s always ready: simple and distraction-free.

Conclusion

I hope you have found this guide helpful and use it to make more loving-kindness in the world. If you’re interested in investigating further, I recommend going to a meditation class. It’s much easier to learn and keep motivated when you are being directly taught by a teacher and have other students alongside you. It’s also a lot more fun.